Family: Is it really fair? Is it truly home? It is love?

I may be slightly well-off as compared to others. I may have more things than others. I may be a little smarter than the others. But really, do i have a home? Is there a place where i could feel peace every single night to rest, to study, to feel calmed? I live in a house - devoid of love and joy, where peace and patience is missing, of living in zero-kindness. I have no money.

My dad, or what he is by the law, only gives me a mere $10 for my daily allowance. Before anyone starts to comment and judge, i want to make my stand. Yes, some people do get less than $10 a day. But really, because of the fact that 'i do not have a home', i don't eat at home. There is nothing to eat at home, literally NOTHING. Imagine coming home from a very tiring day in school to nothingness - no food, no snacks, no peace. And yet according to my 'father', $10 would suffice. Considering the fact that one day last 24 hours and there are 7 days in a week, $10 is included in the expenses section of 4-6 meals a day, transport expenses, and the purchase of new lecture notes and writing materials. How then, is $10 enough? Night after night after night, i come home hungry, i didn't know what to do. Normally, the reaction or instinct is to eat. I have no cash and there is no food at 'home'.

Matthew 7:10-11 "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?"

Now, what was Jesus trying to say? I think what the Son of God is implying is pretty explicit and self-explanatory. I would love no accept my fate and live my life to say yes to what i have and not complain but, explain to me why am i treated like this? Why can't my 'dad' sympathise or empathise with me?  

New Found Love

So, i was enrolled into my new school a couple weeks back and during our orientation, i met this cute, pretty, vocal girl. Though we never actually talked or even knew each other at first, i knew she was almost everything i wanted. Let's just call her 'Firework' for now.

Firework is a very cute girl. She wears this blue/black thing in which girls use to tie their hair. She dons a black yet simple pair of glasses. She also wears this awesome purple, Jansport schoolbag. She can speak or rather, converse pretty well. I was shocked! She really didn't look like those kind of girls that could speak well. Anyway, what's pretty about her is her smile. Also, she's kind of loud and active at the same time. Kind of like an extrovert.

A few days after, on a fine Thursday, i saw her after school rushing to go somewhere or for something. I wanted to ask for her number but i hesitated and relent. I went to finish some of my cards for a charades game later on. Halfway through, which must have been God's calling, i told myself 'hey, opportunity doesn't come knocking twice'. I grabbed myself and ran for her. By this time, she was already out of school. I chased anyway. Luckily, she was just outside the school gate when i caught up. She was talking to another person and well, when she turned around, i asked for her number informally.

"Hey, can i have your number," i asked.
"Uhh, no?" She replied. "Why do you want my number"
I hesistated but replied soon after. "Cos' i kind of like you and i want to talk to you?"
"Uhh, okay but, if you can remember my number, that is."
A bus stopped. "Wait, are you rushing off?"
"Yes, but i'm not taking this bus, i'm rushing off for a concert."
I quickly took out my phone and listened intently. "So your number is?"
"9........" She smiled.
"Enjoy your concert!" I grinned and went back to school.

Yeah, that was probably what i recalled. It was a HUGE step for me. I don't really approach girls like this so, yeah. In fact, i haven't tried to approach girls like that until that day. However, i didn't regret my decision because i stepped out of my comfort zone and took the opportunity.

We texted for 2 whole hours after she reached home - which was like 11.30pm. She told me a lot of stuff in 2 hours. I couldn't explicitly remember the details but i know we both enjoyed that night, no matter how tired we both are.

We gradually texted, but less rigour, and we met up once to study together. Since she had an extra lecture and i have a meeting going on, we both agreed to meet after our stuff. However, my meeting got dragged till 6.30pm and i thought she would already have went home already. But when i reached our rendezvous area, she was still there! I apologised and asked how long did she wait for me and her reply was 'an hour'. I was touched and guilty at the same time. We've only met a few days ago and you're already waiting for me for an hour on such a superficial meetup? Awesome. So, after studying and finishing some of my assignments, we walked home. She lives in CT while i stayed in WDL. I walked her till the bus interchange. I wanted to wait for her bus with her but she chased me away. Haha! It was kind of funny though.

Today, she texted for awhile and kind of ignored me for at least 12 hours. I'm not too sure what i've done wrong or what i've done. Maybe i should give her a break. Maybe, i'm doing the same mistake to every other girl that i lay eyes on. Anyway, i'm pretty sure she's the only one for me. At this point, i'm willing to say that i'll wait for her as she once told me through text that she wouldn't want a relationship until she's 18/21 years old. I told her i'll wait. I told myself that i must wait. But the only 2 fears i have is her drifting away or someone else comes into the picture.

God i pray that you'd bless her and help the both of us for what's best and not. Gos i pray that she's safe and sound wherever she might be and God, give me strength to wait. Thank you God, i pray all this in your name, Jesus.

The One

Do anyone of you believe in finding the right person? Cause i for one think i found mine. She's indispensable. She's perfect, perfect to me. Really. She doesn't have to be the perfect one but being perfect for me is totally enough. The thing is, she's already fixated in her mindset that being separated is cooler than getting back together(or as i would put it, starting afresh). I'm not going to give up. I'm really, really determined for the first time in my life what i really want. It's her! But sadly, she doesn't feel the same.. No one explicitly told me to give up but really, the atmosphere is already hinting me to drop the past. I don't want her to be my past. I want her to be my forever after. Someone that i can depend on for love, warmth, happiness. Me being sorry is not enough for all this crap. I just need her time. So as long as she doesn't get any boyfriends and stuff, i still have my chance. Right now, i believe the calendar is my only friend.

Pain

I've never felt like this for a very very long time. It's like, my heart has been ripped apart. Maybe it's all my fault. Wait, no. IT IS MY FAULT. I made a grave mistake. I shouldn't have broke up with you in the first place. I shouldn't hold control over you. You were young. In fact, you were very young. Fourteen, when we first started. I should have known. But hey, i was rash! I only realised how precious you are to me. How much i really was happy with you. Though we never really hanged out when we were together(although that's my reason for severing the r/s), i felt more than happy. I couldn't really describe it in plain words. It wasn't just happy. I felt i was awesome. Having to date the most awesomest girl in school. But yeah, fuck that. The past is gone. Maybe it's your current take on not going back to the past. I don't want to go there. It's ugly. And if you ever donned upon this post, i want to let you know that I'm sorry, very to-the-core sorry. I can't bring back the dead or chuck your pain aside, but i can tell you this: 'I Love You' and 'You Are The Most Beautiful Person I've Ever Seen'. Not sure if you caught this, but i really meant what i said. About making up for my mistakes and loving you with everything i have and would have. I want to be by your side when you're sick, be your shoulder when you're sad, and be your bolster when you're happy I want you to be a part of my life and me to you. You said it will be tough and difficult. I can and i will bear whatever that is to come. And yes, i am determined. For i have realised what are the things that made me happy. Number One: You. I'm extremely proud to say that during my happiest days of my life, i was attached to you. Yeah, it could be a coincidence or maybe you might think that i'm just saying for the sake of getting you back. No. It's the truth. Number Two.....Ten are not as important as the first. I seek joy from lifting. And you were the one person who made me want to be stronger. I wanted to be better than the guys in your class and in your cohort. I wanted to be stronger than them. But then i realised, none of that truly mattered as long as we love each other. I also seek joy from hanging out with my best friend. We do arguments all the time but that's how we are, best friends! We talk about our lives everytime we meet, we rarely text cause we meet each other often and we know what's going on with each of our heads. The thing is, having you is way different from my best friend. I can get a shot at hugging you, holding you tiny hands, play with your hair, send you home, kiss in the rain, cuddle and so on.. Look, if you're reading this, i'm going to end it with this. I'm a changed person. I'm no longer that sec 3 boy whom chatted with you and dated you and dumped you. No. I am now a guy who listens, who gives opinions and suggestions. I make witty jokes and is willing to do stuff for you. I don't mind not texting to other girls while i'm with you(it doesn't mean that i'm multi-texting them while texting you, NO). I don't mind sending you home from work, school or to anywhere else. However, it might creep you out so i guess it's a no. But really, it might seem desperate but, have you heard of a guy that will wait for you? Not putting myself high up but really, i'm willing to do whatever it takes to win you back. Not saying that you're a prize or an entity but you're my world. And you know what? After typing all these, i finally realise what i'm missing out on. I'm actually wasting my time moaning and grumbling about what happened when i can actually win 'My World'. I Love You, Lucas

Glee

Though the FOX comedy-drama musical series Glee is partially surreal, it actually projects my feelings for some stuff and it works as an anti-anxiety/depression show. On the plus side, its funny, relatable and enjoyable. Nevertheless, I love Glee personally because of its unique style of mashups and a great episode production. Tata